"Sign up today and get one absolutely free!”
Wait, stop just a minute, please hold your breath while we take some X-Rays of “Absolutely Free!”
Well, here they are. The X-Rays show the image of a high voltage vacuum tube coming out of a credit card and extending into a mailbox.
Wait a second, there are operating instructions on the vacuum tube, “Please stand back, your signature has triggered this fully automatic withdrawal system! It has been designed to suck out sufficient dollar amounts and forward them, to cover all “absolutely free” expenses automatically before it can be stopped!”
So, dodge the expense, keep your credit card from getting vacuumed, absolutely free.

I was sitting in an office when I noticed that the lady by the receptionist’s desk dropped something. Politely, I said, “Excuse me Mam, but I believe you dropped a glove or something.” By this time she was stepping on it and didn’t see anything when she looked down. The she looked back at me as if, now she was ready to say something. I kept my eyes riveted to the floor. She then chose to take a step back and picking that something up said, “Oh, this isn’t a glove, it’s my lens cleaner. I used to carry a bunch of Kleenex but then I ran across this lens cleaner and it just works so much better.”
Wow, was I ever glad I didn’t miss that bit of history!
Next we were eating lunch in a quaint little restaurant and a car pulled up in front. Pretty soon the car door opened and a sizeable piece of cellophane wrapper was discarded. As soon as the wind moved it, it was transformed into litter. I didn’t do anything, about it but probably should have.
Finally, we were eating dinner and exited The Cracker Barrel on a clever note. Instead of the famous “Now Hiring” sign, which speaks the untruth the biggest percent of the time, we read, “Imagine going through these doors with a paycheck!”

In ten easy steps, chust-n-case the ol’ bag assembly trick suddenly becomes our National Standard! (Ref. Yesterday’s post)
1 - Mr. Twisty was designed to contain salvageable content within the ol’ plastic bag. Never try walking Mr. Twisty hand in hand, to try to close an open box!
2 - Successfully trap your salvageable keepers inside the ol’ plastic bag.
3 - When the ol’ bag sticks it’s neck out, grab it firmly with one hand and by using your other hands, gently message the air out of the ol’ bag’s unused spaces.
4 - With your other hands, twist the ol’ bag’s neck around in a circle, crinkling it three times.
5 - Using your other hands, bend Mr. Twisty’s personality around the ol’ bag’s crinkled neck, he’s wired for this1
6 - Make sure Mr. Twisty’s right hand end has snuck around the ol’ bag’s neck, and poked itself underneath the bottom side of Mr. Twisty’s left hand end on top. When this is clear, move to step seven.
7 - With your other hand, twist Mr. Twisty’s right hand end up and his left hand end down (clockwise) across each other only twice. This is kind of like crossing your knees, only twice as bad.
8 - S T O P ! Congratulations, Now the whole ol’ bag assembly, salvage and all, becomes a keeper.
9 - With your other hands, transport the ol’ plastic bag assembly into storage.
10 - Save some of your hands for the future, you’ll need them to walk the many Mr. Twisties lying in wait.

I’m campaigning to adopt a national standard, but I don’t know the procedure. Who all does one need to involve? What are the chances of success? How long will it take for everyone involved to review the details and sign the bottom line? Is it a multi-step process? Is it cost prohibitive? Will a simple majority vote be sufficient, or is the percentage weighted? Is the government involved, will it require a house presentation or a visit to the Whitehouse?
My request is quiet simple. I think every wire twisty everywhere should be tightened by twisting it clockwise!

This is another contest entry. The baddest poem submitted wins.

Wordabrator Done Goned South!

My wordabrator musta goned South
‘Cause this little ditty peeled straight from it’s mouth.
Acumazubpartylunstrapuminafrenzzey
Becha can’t get threw it, without feeling kinda schmenzzy!!

Yes, that wordabrator, to me seemed quiet amazing.
It had found greener grasses and it was only grazing!
We would receive words like clupinskipaline
And trampiloganshine.

Plus, she came up with snipintall
It’s words like these, both large and small,
And madmguldahitch
That swing into English with a different pitch!

Look at umpkinlargo and hennysmart
And neskilpine and skinnysparp
All we need is give their meanings skarp.
And we’re off with a running start!

We’ve a few definitions under our belt.
Like to abligelt means to abligelt.
I think there be’s more words, or not,
I used to know, but I forgot!